The "This Isn't Just Food, This is......" Joke

Well as the weather has been that bad and BT have finally sorted my phone line out, but as yet Tiscalli haven't sorted the broadband out, I've had to revert back to text communication to occupy myself, my inbox is now full of the weired and wonderful.

So if your at all squeamish don't read this joke....and it must be read with the Marks and Spencer's "this is not just food" advert in mind, you know all sultry and breathy with long poignant pauses.


Fresh 9 inch cock covered in hot mustard sauce....
Pierced young nipples dipped in boiling hot toffee....
Soft virgin clits grilled on maple soaked skewers....
Freshly shaved bollocks marinated in garlic and ginger, battered, lightly fried and then served on a bed of crisp rocket....

This isn't just food....This is S & M food.



And low and behold the sun has come out and wind guru is forecasting 15knts. I'm saved.

It was our 4th anniversary today

Today was our anniversary and we decided to celebrate it in style by going to the C.A.T. (Centre of Alternative Technology) cafe in Machynlleth. We sat with all the other ageing hippies warming our hands around a bowl of split pea and pumpkin soup and a homemade bread cheese roll...yummy !!!!! It always seems to take longer to eat our food in their than we anticipate and half an hour later we are still sat there reading the wall to wall advertisement flyer's....ranging from courses in stain glass window making to joining a seed collectors club.

I was on a mission to produce a card by the evening that did not have a picture of a bear on the front holding a heart, which contained the right words without being too soppy. An hour later I came out of a shop, with a smile on face with what I thought was the most unique and poetic card. It was only when I opened my card later that evening I discovered its identical twin in my hand from my girlfriend.

Oh my god !!! I thought...it's finally happened after four years...the transition to Lesbian Morph...my identity blended into her's to such a point that we can't even buy original things for each other. Oh well !!! at least I'll know what I'm going to get for Christmas. Love you baby!! Happy Anniversary.

I Am The Connect Four Champion!!!!

I am now getting my dinner cooked for me, due to the fact that I am the reigning connect four champion in this household. wooooo wooooo. Its all gone quiet over that side...hahahaha

Now I'm not a bad looser, just not a gracious winner. haha I won!

The reason behind it was the fear that now that we're not working we didn't want to become the stereotypical veg in front of the TV types, now personally I could sit on here twiddling with blogs, facebook and various forums all night, but apparently that's unsociable. What!

So we now have non TV days where we play games or plan extensive walking routes on OS maps. The only slight problem is that I'm very competitive and sporty and my girlfriend is strategic and loves to beat at something, anything, just to say she can because she knows its unlikely to happen on a bike or board.

The thing she omitted to tell me when she casually challenged me to chess is that she was a member of the chess club at college for 3 years and regularly played at home. This she tells me after toying with me for 2 hours, gets bored, wants to finish the game and check mates me in 3 moves.

Hence we now have to play slightly less strategic games ( connect 4, jenga, tiddly winks) to give me a fighting chance and I have to give her a head start on a bike to reciprocate. Were hoping this way we wont have to many fall outs, but still...I am the champion, I am the champion, No sign of losers cos I am........

DOCTOR DEE CLUTTER TO THE RESCUE

With just over a week to go before moving to my cabin in Wales I am walking around with that lingering feeling of ‘what if I forget to do something’ syndrome. I can’t remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep and the fridge has more ready meals in it than the single guy who lives next door. Today I have decided that I am going to take control of my life and organise this transition so it runs smoothly with minimum aggravation, demons of ‘House Move’ be gone!!!!

I don’t actually know how half of this stuff got into the house, everything was so minimal when I moved in, I could breath. Over the years the rooms have gradually become smaller and smaller, some of the clutter I’ve won from the numerous pub raffles supporting the local Morris Dancer’s and Farmer’s Union. The rest of it has filtered it’s way in from several Birthday’s, Christmas’s, so called eBay bargains, car-boots, family inheritances, BOGOF offers and all the things I have collected since the year dot ranging from my favourite teddy that has no eyes to my school report’s stating that I was inattentive in class. Why am I keeping these things??!!

This is my advice, divide everything into three categories:-

a) To be thrown

b) To be kept

c) To come to terms with or needs a good reason.

Category A – To Be Thrown - This covers items such as, I’m sure this is not mine, why do I need to keep something which is derogatory to me, I must have been drunk when I bought this and unwanted presents from people you don’t really know but it’s the thought that counts.

Category B – To Be Kept - I must be strict with this and make sure I only take what I need, it’s a new home and therefore new beginnings, the only allowance here will have to be unwanted items that I need to retrieve from the drawer quickly when the family come round for tea.

Category C - To come to Terms with / Need a Good Reason - This covers items such as, sentimental letters and cards from ex partners that I now can’t stand but I do like a good read when it’s about me. Gold Jewellery, which I couldn’t possible throw because it’s worth something even though I’m never going to wear it and it’s lived in a box for the last decade. Royal Dolton China that’s been stored away in the garage because it’s doesn’t tie in with my tastes but was my grandmother’s favourite on a Sunday.

Category A and B are quite straight forward regarding packing, as for Category C give yourself a time limit of 24 hours then make the decision whether they need to go into Category A or B. If you are having difficulty deciding then a list of the following excuses may help sort out some of those difficult items.

a) I’m a little short on cash so Ebaying it will contribute to my future well-being.

b) I don’t need to keep these; I have a strong self esteem.

c) I’d rather it was put to good use.

d) Knowing that someone is getting great pleasure from this is very rewarding.

e) These were made just for you.

f) I can always buy a new one if I really need it.

I know if I can get through the above the rest of my move will be an absolute breeze, just need to make a couple of calls to the utilities disconnecting my supplies, get my mail redirected and notify the TV licensing of my change of address. For the first time in ages I feel I’m in control of my stuff; it’s no longer in control of me. Tonight I am looking forward to a good night’s sleep, can’t wait for the lights out and pull the duvet over…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz